Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift

I'm going to start this post by saying I feel great today. Under the circumstances, that alone is a miracle. I have no pain, I am smiling, things are well. When I finally get around to telling you what’s been happening in the recent weeks of my life, maybe you'll be as amazed as I am about this too.

To put things into perspective; exactly a week ago, I was sitting in the room with a palliative care registrar and nurse discussing how I was going to get through the next phase of my life, which unfortunately, I am now accepting, won’t be a particularly long one. I don’t think I can ever explain exactly how grim it is to be 30 years old and referred to a palliative care team, it is confronting and something I would never, ever have dreamed would happen to me.

So it's been a while. There's going to be some history, it's going to get long, and it's going to be hard. When I last wrote I was on a waiting list for a clinical trial which, according to the doctors, was probably not going to work. The problem is, that my platelets (the cells in my blood that prevent bruising and excessive bleeding) needed to be at a certain level (150) for me to qualify, and for weeks they were hovering in the 90s. The doctors figured they were still bouncing back from my radiation therapy in February.

So, basically, once again it was a waiting game, and I'm pretty used to those. As I have a large-ish tumour pressing on my bowel, my doctors gave me a list of symptoms to look out for and to alert them straight away if they arised, and then they could apply some more radiotherapy to alleviate these potentially dangerous symptoms that could land me in hospital if left unattended.

Two months since my last scan, and I still have no symptoms. It's hard, because I just know they will come; but I am not going to spend my entire existence hanging on tenterhooks, worrying about every single change in my body. I'm just going to get on with things while I feel well. If the symptoms come, they come. But I refuse to anticipate them. The very strong dose of steroids I am on at the moment could be making a big difference as well.

Anyway, whilst there was little happening treatment-wise, there was a lot happening in other parts of my life. I did an amazing trip to the NSW South Coast over Easter to be with friends and family and it was so beautiful and peaceful and amazing. Then, it wasn't the monumental marking of the end of my stem cell journey and start of my new life that it should've been, but it was fantastic all the same: I got my Hickman's Line removed. I'd had this tube of plastic inserted into the top of my right breast for six months. It was a Godsend during my transplant in the sense that it enabled me to receive medications and get blood taken with ease without my dead veins being bothered by needles. I could tuck it away underneath my clothes and no one would know the difference. After all my Day 100 check-ups were over, however, all it presented was a reminder that I was not normal; that I couldn't swim or bathe (in Melbourne's hottest summer in years) and it was also an infection risk. So out it came. All I had to do is lie in bed, breathe in, and the nurse pulled it out of my chest, and she had to pull it hard. It didn't hurt. But wow, it's gone, and I am glad. And thus far my veins are co-operating with medical staff.

Easter in Nethercote ... bliss

Another thing is that I work for Cancer Council Victoria now, two days a week, as a media assistant in their Cancer Prevention Centre communications department. I love it. I love the routine, I love the sense of purpose, I love the people I work with and they are very flexible to my needs.

I've published two blog posts on their behalf since starting with them:

http://blogs.crikey.com.au/croakey/2013/04/11/digital-media-and-junk-food-advertising

http://www.cutyourcancerrisk.org.au/blogs/clinical.html#.UZHvHaUWwUU

I travelled to Tasmania, and I fell in love with our island state, visiting markets, eating amazing food, exploring idyllic islands, being surrounded by seals, exploring the Southern Ocean, seeing stunning landscapes. Then a few weeks later, I was on the very other side of the country, in Darwin, witnessing sunsets like no other, enjoying 350-degree heat, watching crocs jump right in front of me, swimming in rockpools and waterfalls ... another one ticked off bucket list: I have now visited every state and territory in Australia, and every capital city. And I tell you what, I love this country. I love it. There's more to tell you about Darwin, but we'll get to that. 

My cousin and I on Bruny Island, Tasmania

Another bucket list item: I popped my bridesmaid cherry. Saw an old, dear friend get married. That weekend was one for the history books; it felt like a movie (think The Hangover) at times, but an awesome experience and I am so happy for her. 

Wedding belles

So, to Darwin. I had five days booked at the Tope End with two of my awesome girlfriends. In the lead-up to this trip, I'd been getting weekly blood tests, and they were coming up a little bit weird. Platelets still low, but the most concerning thing was that my white blood cells had plummeted to pretty much rock bottom. Well, I guess that explained why my mouth was full of horrible, irritating ulcers. This was incredibly annoying because it meant I was at big risk of infection. But more pressing was the bigger issue: why are they so low? This is isn't supposed to be happening and could mean something very sinister is happening in my bone marrow. Nonetheless, the doctors knew how much this trip meant to me, and they sent me off with a contingency plan: a GSCF injection to boost my white blood cells before I left, a supply of oral antibiotics, and instructions to check into a hospital in Darwin if I had temperatures or was feeling unwell. What a pain in the ass. But the heartbreak of having to cancel my trip to Cairns last year because of a relapse was fresh in my mind, and there was no way I was cancelling this trip. So I took the red-eye to Darwin and off I went.

Everything started well. Darwin was hot, mildly humid (35 degrees every day) but it certainly wasn't unbearable. Me and the girls got out and about, loving being together and exploring NT. I kept an eye on my temperatures, and there were times they were high, and I ignored them, then they'd come down again. But after one bigger night than usual, when I'd had little sleep, I woke up and I had two high-grade temperatures: 38.4. I decided I couldn't ignore it anymore; I had to do the right thing. My friends drove me to Darwin Hospital. I can't fathom how stressful this whole experience must've been for them, but they handled it so well. 

Sunset in Darwin

I won't go into the detail of how patronising and out of touch the triage nurse in the Darwin Hospital emergency department was towards to me, but to sum it up: after I had relayed the fact I was two-time stem cell transplant patient, had no neutrophils, and the situation was quite urgent, he leaned into me and said in a low voice: "I think you might have a UTI." I stood there just looking at him, my jaw was just open in disbelief. Oh my, Mr Triage nurse, how I WISH it was just a UTI. Anyway the most important thing is that I got straight into ED with no waiting, which is what is supposed to happen - a cancer patient with a temperature is an urgent situation and can be life threatening. At least that message got through and I was called up right away. 

Blood was taken from me. I waited with bated breath for the results. "They'll be normal and I'll get out of here," I hoped and prayed, my fingers crossed for dear life. But when they finally came back, I was devastated. My white blood cells were still rock bottom at 0.8; my platelets had dropped to 70, and suddenly it hit me. The lymphoma is in the bone marrow. This dark, dark, blanket of anxiety fell over me and I said, "I think this is the end."God I can't even imagine how my friends must've been feeling at this point. I was admitted, given sleeping meds, moved to my own room in the burns/surgical unit (which was quite dark and 70s-looking, felt a bit like a jail cell really).

In the end, I spent two nights in Darwin Hospital, which I will tell you was a cultural experience. Thankfully I had the most beautiful nurses, one of which gave me a big hug, an NT-born and bred lovely woman. And you know what it wasn't THAT bad. It was probably two days of enforced rest I needed. We had to cancel a trip to Katherine Gorge which in hindsight would've been too much anyway, but my friends coped, and so did I. I'd had no temperatures whatsoever since I'd been admitted which told me that it wasn't an infection - so I threatened to self-discharge the morning of my last day in Darwin because my friends and I were going to go out and have an amazing day. The doctors, who were really lovely, let me go anyway. We had the most amazing day at Litchfield National Park, it was the perfect end to our trip. I swam in rock pools and waterfalls and just lapped up the beauty of our tropical territory. Then it was back to Darwin for dinner, a few hours sleep, and then up at the crack of the sparrows to catch a morning flight home to Melbourne. 

Last day in Darwin ... beats hospital!

I cried the whole four-hour flight back to Melbourne. I was such a mess. I collapsed in a heap of anxiety and fear. I felt helpless. I felt scared. But I tell you what, I was so happy to see my mum at the airport; I realised how much she meant to me and how much I needed her. All this time I thought I could beat this cancer, right from the very beginning, when I sat alone in a hospital emergency bed in London adn told me from day 1 I had lymphoma. Now I didn't have that anymore. I felt like all was lost, and I just didn't know how I was going to get my head around that. Darwin was a reality check.

My doctor pretty much confirmed all my fears the next day. He told me he was 99% sure the lymphoma was in my bone marrow, and after two stem cell transplants, that is very bad news indeed. He told me very directly, "I don't think we're going to beat this." That was when he referred me to palliative care. I sat there, lost in despair. I am 30 and my life is over. He talked to me about how I was going to find the balance between hope, and the realities I was facing, over the next few months, and I said, "I don't think there is hope. Now it's about finding peace."

I do believe in the power of the mind. As I headed back to the waiting room, swollen-eyed and devastated, a lady next to me who had had numerous stem cell transplants and relapses told me, "The power of the mind is mightier than the sword." These words offered little comfort to me at the time. How could I have been any more positive about my journey from the start? I just don't know how.

I guess at this time, anger was burning inside of me as well. I find myself looking at older people on trams and trains and thinking, "I will never get to that age." I envy those people sitting in their seats, with nothing else to worry about but what they're going to have for dinner tonight or whether they can be bothered to go to yoga class tonight. Oh how I envy and long for that kind of normality again, a normality that seems out of reach for me at the moment. And I still have so much to give this world. When I think of my own family and friends at my own funeral, I choke up so much I can't even bear it. I have always accepted my situation and understood that I am not the only person to go through this. But now I find myself asking "Why? What have I done to deserve this really?" But there were never any promises that life would be easy. For many it's full of hardship and there's no making sense of that. This lymphoma was always out to get me.

I recall a story from years ago, when I was with a group of friends and they probably don't even remember this, but I do. It was back when I was living in NSW, and I told them I had a feeling that I was going to die young. They were understandably creeped out by this comment and questioned me on my reasoning for this. "I don't know," I said. "I just feel it; and when I look at the way I live my life, I feel like I am trying to cram everything I can into every moment." I was trying to fit in so much. Living hard and fast, that's what I do. Maybe it was just a stupid thing to say. But I am also very strong-minded and maybe I was equipped with that to get through this whole ordeal too. Maybe there are reasons and destinies, I don't know. I can't say I have had a hard life but I most definitely have had my share of drama; my life has been anything but sedate. I am surprised that I haven't just disintegrated into a pool of depression by now. I guess if anyone has taken anything life-changhing from my journey than I have served a purpose. I have also realised what an absolutely amazing, loving, supporting family and group of friends I have around me; and that's also something. I could've gone through years and years of life never fully knowing that, deeply. If love was currency, all the money in the world couldn't repay what my family has done for me.

Whoa, heavy, hey. Let's move on. So what's next for me?

Options category no. 1. Chances of happening: extremely/100% likely

Radiotherapy. This is for the tumours in my abdomen. Surprisingly since my last scan 2 months ago, I have not had any symptoms, as I mentioned before. I saw my radiotherapy oncologist last week and I think he was surprised at how well I was doing. He rattled off a list of symptoms that were all reported in the negative, had a feel of my abdomen and then decided that rushing into radiation was not the right move for me at that present moment. The radiation would mess with my blood counts and I'd need infusions, and that is something I need to avoid. He said if I report symptoms immediately they can get me in for radiation quickly to turn things around. I got a CT scan done but I have heard nothing about the results. Radiotherapy is in my future, I just don't know when. It's not going to get rid of the lymphoma. It's just going to control the disease so I don't have complications. The only thing is that there is only so much radiotherapy my organs can be exposed to.

Alternative therapies/healing. I’m looking into these but I’m keeping an open mind as you can understand. These are more to help me prolong my life and help me heal, and mentally cope with the situation I face in front of me. I still believe anything can happen. Every day I wake up and I say to myself “I have a life to live.” Some days I put on my Hope necklace and Wonder Woman T-shirt I bought for $2 from Ballarat and pretend it’s some kind of armour. Sometimes I look at my determined eyes in the mirror and say, “I’m not going to let this happen to me”. I don’t know if I truly believe it or if it will work. I’ve looked into herbal treatments, therapies, foods, etc … I’m not writing anything off. I have always been the rational-minded person, putting my faith in science and facts over anecdotal evidence and unproven theories and ideas. But I can feel my mind changing about this. Anything really can happen. I have booked myself into an Ian Gawler cancer retreat in the Dandenongs for June, and I am looking forward to this. Meditation, organic food, healing, all in beautiful surrounds with others facing the same journey.

Options category two. Chances of happening: hmmm, pretty unlikely

Clinical trial. This is only if my blood counts magically come up, and well, it doesn't look like that will happen. That said I haven't had a blood test for a while so who knows what's happening. About a week after Darwin my platelets went up to 105 but dropped back to 70 the following week, and my white blood cells went through the roof because of the GSCF injection I had received the previous week. At least the injection had worked; the one I had before Darwin it had failed. My blood counts are my biggest worry.

The trial also comes with its risks, and it would tie me to the hospital somewhat. It's not a great option anyway. In the coming weeks I will see my original oncologist at Peter Mac and discuss every single option I face and the risks, more for mental closure than anything.

Chemo. The doctors certainly aren't pushing this, and it is not a recommendation, and maybe not even a possibility. Chemo is not going to cure me but I wondered if maybe it shrunk the tumours down enough I could then receive radiotherapy. Radiotherapy is the ONLY thing that has had any success. The doctors say chemo will only land me in hospital, give me a poor quality of life, and is likely to achieve nothing. I don’t want chemo. But I don’t want to give up either. I feel like I’ve tolerated everything so well that I could keep going, but maybe I underestimate exactly just what my body has been through.

Options category three: Chances of happening: zero or maybe 0.00000001%

Extraterrestrial intervention. I get abducted by aliens and taken to a planet where they have cancer cures. You just never know, right?

Yeah OK maybe I shouldn't joke about this but if "you're not laughing, you're crying". 

Anyway I will conclude with a nice trip I had to Gippsland. I got to spend a wonderful day with my mother, who has been my absolute rock throughout the hardest 18 months of my life. I wish more than anything that things could have been easier, but I have felt and received love and support I may never have realised in a lifetime. I am lucky in that respect. I was never a “mummy’s girl” at any time in my life and there have been many times that my mum and I, such different people, haven’t seen eye to eye. But when I think about my mum now I am just filled with love and gratitude and I feel so, so blessed to have her. I also got to spend time with another amazing woman and role model in my life, my Oma, who is 88 and still so sharp, and generous and amazing. She is helping me fulfil my goal of going to this cancer retreat as have a group of my mother's colleagues who held a fundraiser for me last year and for that I am so grateful and touched. During my Gippsland jaunt, I also went to church. I don't know if I could call it a spiritual ephinany as such, but I was amazed when the sermon that was delivered, by my father's friend, seem to speak right to me. It was about finding hope when you find yourself in a situation of complete bleakness, despair and helplessness. I've always believed that the universe is random and while I never completely turned my back on spirituality, I certainly do not follow one God nor believe he will heal me. I used to believe things “happened for a reason” but that was back when nothing really that bad happened to me. It's hard to find a reason why this is happening to me, but if I can help change someone's life from my experience maybe that is it. 

So I am digging into that little reserve of hope. I do believe in the power of the mind. Doctors can be wrong. Anything can happen. I need to look past the bleakness and I need to keep getting on with this and doing everything I can to prolong my life and opening my eyes to other possibilities. Medical science has failed me, but maybe that’s not all there is. 

I also caught up with some old, dear friends, I received beautiful gifts from people I hadn't met but have read my blog (thank you, you know who you are), and then I found that some of my parents' neighbours are holding a fundraiser for me and the Peter Mac Ride to Conquer Cancer bike ride this June. My trip to Gippsland was a wonderful and cleansing experience after such a bleak week. 

Oh yeah, and I'm blonde now. Because why not. And next week I turn 31, and this weekend I plan to party the only way I know how.

Cue blonde jokes

"Where there's life, there's hope." It's not over yet.

Freedom and fist pumps

Being able to relax on my North Melbourne balcony in the sunshine and gentle breeze, watching the world go by. Relaxing on the couch watching TV with the fam. Enjoying a home-cooked meal around the table. These are all the things I promise I will not take for granted anymore.

If the purpose of me going through this whole cancer ordeal is to appreciate those small things, then I can say that mission is accomplished. I will never take good health for granted again, and frankly, I am just happy to be alive. (Just to reiterate, I don’t really think there is a ‘purpose’ for this ordeal. I think it just happened because one of my cells happened to mutate and multiply. To me, it’s as simple and unfortunate as that.)

I was in hospital, all up, for about 19 days. I was barely allowed to leave my little glass cocoon, which was room 8 on the 5^th floor (though, that said I did have the nicest view and biggest room on the ward – the ‘penthouse suite’ according to the nurses). For most of this time, I was sitting there just waiting fort my neutrophils, which had been sitting firmly at zero for days and days, to increase so I could get out of there. In the meantime I wanted to avoid any nasty bug that might come my way.  There were a couple of days that I was pacing the room so furiously that mum was going to ask the doctor to prescribe me valium. I probably did need it too. It’s quite unusual for me to get anxiety but there were a few days that I felt it heavy on my heart. There were also a couple of mornings where I found myself crying into my porridge (which would add some flavour at least) for no fixed reason. I wasn’t worried about the transplant not working, I was more worried about the days ahead, and how I was going to manage them with even a shred of sanity. I was burdened by the monumental task ahead of me.

So what did I do with my time? I read, though my concentration would fluctuate from day to day. I watched shows like 30 Rock and movies like Clueless. I wrote poetry. I kept a diary. I played on my mum’s iPad. I played SongPop on my iPhone. I tried to keep up with the news, but as with my concentration, my interest in current affairs would wane some days. I spoke to people. And this is where my star visitors come into play – as well as brightening my day they also helped to break it up, as did the letters and notes of support (as if in some kind of poetic harmony, I ran out of letters to read right before my discharge from hospital).

Sunset from my window

I was one of the lucky ones as I didn’t suffer much sickness throughout my stay. A really ugly infection broke out on my face, kinda like an infected pimple, but it didn’t cause me much grief apart from making me look monstrous. From Day +8 to discharge I had a sore throat, but I still managed to eat all the way through and thankfully I never had to be fed nutrition through a drip. I had some loss of appetite and drowsiness, but the flatness, lack of fresh air and boredom were worse. I can’t even say the first few weeks of my allograft were much worse than my autograft. It was simply that the process was longer, and different.

Other things that helped were regular walks up and down the ward (which is about 50 metres long, no kidding) and getting decent sleep every night, which surprisingly I managed. Most of the time I sleep like a baby in hospital. Despite being roused from sleep about five times a night for observations, medications and blood tests, I always fall straight back to sleep and doze until the doctors usually do their rounds at 8-8.30.

Day +12, a Saturday and Stakes Day in Melbourne, was a busy day. I’d been to Flemington racecourse in the Melbourne sunshine. I’d pashed several guys (and even girls), won money on the horses, swilled champagne, took to the DJ decks to spin a few records, hell I even busked on the street.

Was this some kind of crazed rampage day leave scenario? No. My hilarious girl friends took a cardboard cut-out of my head along with them to Stakes Day. What ensued was a sequence of hilarious photos to my phone of my head in a range of compromising situations. It made my day – and apparently a few other people’s too! Funny, because on Saturday I was craving McDonald’s (which apparently I visited at some ungodly hour) and Monday morning I threw up for the first time since I’d been in hospital, which made me think that maybe I had a sympathy hangover, or my cardboard head had been a voodoo doll.

It was a lovely gesture which put a smile on my face for days and reminded me what awesome friends I have.

Proof that I can DJ

Saturday also marked a year since my (unofficial) diagnosis. 11.11.11, a day that will be etched in my memory - the day I took myself to a London hospital, plagued by a cough, abdominal pain and sickness, only to be told several hours after a chest X-ray and CT scan that I had cancer. But I tried not to think too much about it. Right now it is so much more important for me to look forward and embrace the future, rather than dwell on the past, and how far I have or haven't come. So I shrugged it off as another day.

I also missed seeing my favourite band at Harvest Festival that day but that means little to me now.

My debaucherous Day + 12 must’ve been just what the doc ordered, because I woke up on Day +13 to a neutrophil count of 0.1. Could this be the beginning of the great white cell ascension? I wouldn’t know until tomorrow – if my neutrophils continued to rise, then they would call it ‘engraftment’ (which means Megan’s cells have taken to my body, and are now releasing those vital white blood cells). But it wasn’t common for neutrophils to drop as quickly as they rose again during an allograft. Day +14, bang. Neutrophils 0.3. Engraftment was well and truly engaged. I was so, so close to getting out.

Scientific diagram explaining engraftment

My nurse let it slip that they might let me out on overnight leave the next day if my neutrophils kept rising, so I got rather excited about that. I woke to a happy nurse coming into my room, “You’re going home!” Neutrophils 0.5 – I was no longer neutropenic. A fist pump and emphatic “YES!” came as reply. Then the doctors came round and said I could get ‘day leave’ but had to stay overnight in the hospital, and my discharge was likely to be Saturday, so my excitement fizzled. Luckily I had the right people on side, and the nurse in charge did some sweet-talking so I was allowed out on overnight leave instead. I managed to ‘check out’ some time that afternoon, and by then I was too tired to jump up and down with joy, but when I took those first few steps outside and gulps of fresh air, that’s what was happening inside.

I had to go back to the hospital this morning, but they are happy with my progress and have officially discharged me. The nurses and doctors are like beaming proud parents, and telling me “Make sure you come back and visit.” Surprisingly I didn’t cry, even though the Royal Melbourne Hospital nurses have been absolutely amazing. Maybe the lack of tears was because I know that I still have to come back to the hospital’s day centre for tri-weekly check-ups, so it’s not necessarily an emotional goodbye for me just yet. 

My only obstacle at the moment is some niggling morning sickness (nooo, not ‘that’ kind of morning sickness). I’m not sure why it’s popped up so far along in my treatment (as it cannot be chemo-related), but theatrically, I have to run for a toilet or sick bag (now carried in my handbag, it’s the cancer patient’s lipstick) some time before or after breakfast. Not the best start to the day, hence I hope it sorts itself out in the next few days or so.

They also discharged me with enough pills to sink a small ship. Anti-sickness meds, three types of antibiotics, magnesium supplements, pills for my stomach, pills for my liver, steroids (to prevent graft vs host disease) and the very important anti-rejection drugs, which smell bad and are the biggest pills I’ve ever seen. I can now say that to deal with this daily onslaught of meds I am now the proud owner of one of those pill boxes they give out at nursing homes, with four containers for each day marked ‘Morning’, ‘Noon’, ‘Evening’ and ‘Bedtime’. This is what my life has become! I have always said though, this experience has set me up very well for old age, and the pill box reinforces that. (Next thing is the granny trolley).

Pill popper

My kinda granny trolley

It’s been a testing time, and the true test hasn't really happened yet. I still have 85 days to go till I'm in the clear, till I can have some peace of mind, and I know my next PET scan is going to bring its usual dose of anxiety. Some days in hospital were so long, gloomy and boring I thought the end would never come. I feel after all this, I will have the patience of a saint. I still have a long road ahead of me; I will be visiting RMH’s day centre three times a week and I still face the dangers of infections and graft vs host disease, both of which can be life-threatening if left to run rampant. I know those tri-weekly appointments are going to get old and that there are still a few bumps looming on the remaining stretch of road. But I’m out of hospital and that’s the first positive step.

Operation stem cells complete

The hardest part is over. And what a journey it’s been. Isn’t it simply amazing that the many millions of stem cells were taken from my bloodstream, stashed in a bag, frozen, stored for months, defrosted, returned to their rightful home and are now back in my veins, swimming around, thriving and growing, making my body stronger again. Isn’t it simply amazing that six months ago, almost to this day, I was walking into a London emergency room complaining of some abdominal pain, about to find out that I had a giant tumour in my chest and cancer spread across my body and that my life was about to be turned upside down. Isn’t it simply amazing that I am standing here right now, an ostensibly healthy girl, my bald head and a huge scar on my chest really the only things that offer any clue of what I have been through.

Pictured above is my chest X-ray, taken on November 11, 2011 at North Middlesex Hospital in London, which is what began my whole journey. Below is what a normal chest X-ray looks like (the lump to the bottom right is the heart). As you can see, the large 'mediastinal mass' above and around my heart in the above X-ray shouldn't be there. My chest now, thankfully, looks more like the image below.

I was discharged on day 11 of my transplant, after two and half long weeks in hospital. When the consultant gave me the all clear to go, I had been expecting another 24 hours in hospital, and I was over the moon – just too tired to show it. I didn’t get to go ‘home home’ just yet – I had to stay in the apartments next door to the hospital for another week at least – but it was fantastic nonetheless.

The feeling of being discharged from hospital is such an elated high that for a moment, you almost forget the pain of the previous weeks (I said almost). But discharge day really is such a high, like being released from jail. Free from IV drips and constant blood pressure, heart rate and temperature observations. No more being roused from sleep at dawn so a path nurse can stab you in the arm for more blood, no more listening to other patients’ ablutions from the bathroom, no more staring wistfully out the window from the hospital bed as the sunshine-filled world moves on without you; no more stomach-churning hospital food, delivered in its pink plastic case; no more beeping monitors, no more peeing into a pan, no more daily discussions of bowel movements. But when I left this time, I got a bit emotional. I could barely thank the nurses without blubbering like a baby, because they really are the most amazing people ever, and made my two-and-a-half week stay in hospital so, so much more bearable. Additionally, the staff tend to take you under their wing, with nursing co-ordinator Trish exclaiming, “I’m so proud of you!” when she saw me looking strong and even managing to nick out for a coffee on day 10, and the haematology consultant congratulating me as he discharged me, saying this was the earliest I could have gone home.

All in all though, the stem cell transplant journey was a lot easier than I expected. My doctor and nursing co-ordinator had presented me with the worse-case scenario as far as the transplant went, and I’m glad they did. It is very, very hard to predict one’s treatment journey, as every individual is different. I was one of the lucky ones, as I noticed many patients around me at Peter Mac were doing much longer stints in hospital and facing far worse complications.

My major glitch – which was a serious one indeed, but luckily hasn’t ended up causing me too much grief - was the massive clot in a main vein in my neck. This had been caused by my arrow, or central line, which had become infected with a skin bug. On day 7, after the presence of the infection was confirmed, the doctors made the decision to pull the line out. There was a big nasty, swollen lump on my neck that was very tender and sore, and the doctors were concerned – my neutrophils were still at zero so I had no immune system to fight it. “This could have serious implications,” they told me, explaining that the infection could get to my heart, which would be catastrophic. Thankfully this wasn’t the case, which was confirmed by an ultrasound a few days later. In the days following the line’s removal, my white blood cells began to climb (which meant they could help fight the infection) and the antibiotics were also kicking in. I now have to take oral antibiotics for six weeks (one of which turns my pee orange) and also have to get twice-daily injections of a blood thinner called Clexane in order to keep this infection under control (which I have managed to give to myself – never thought I’d have the balls to stab myself with a needle, but it’s amazing what you can drive yourself to do in the right circumstances).

Another very small glitch I encountered, also on day 7 (a very action-packed day that was!) was a reaction to platelets. That day my platelets were low and so I needed a transfusion. I’d had several bags of platelets before, so no biggie. But for some reason, this time, towards the end of the platelets going in, my body grew itchy, my left eye and the left side of my face grew swollen and my sinuses clogged up (which meant I couldn’t taste the hospital food – a blessing!). So I was this disfigured, one-eyed Notre-Dame-esque monster for half a day or so. As Jacqui so helpfully contributed, “You look like something from Futurama.” Thankfully I had more platelets following that and a couple of blood transfusions, which went in without a glitch, so it was just that batch for one reason or another. The human body is a funny thing.

But apart from a persistent dull, sore throat, a couple of tummy upsets, some understandable fatigue, some night sweats, temperatures and mouth pain (remedied with some cocaine mouthwash – hospitals really do get the good stuff!), I didn’t really have that much to complain about. I didn’t get ulcers, I kept up my appetite, I was venturing out of the hospital just about every day that I wasn’t hooked up to the drip until my white blood cells bottomed out.

A rainbow outside my hospital window

One thing that really helped me was food. I’ve always had a more-than-healthy appetite (my parents threatened to lock the pantry when I was younger, and on inspection of my room, would often find empty chip, Tim Tam packets strewn across the place). I am a self-confessed food lover, to me it is one of life’s simplest and most luxurious pleasures. Through my last five cycles of chemo, my ravenous appetite has been a bit of a running joke. It is common for stem cell transplant patients to lose their appetite completely and in some instances, require nutrition via a drip or feeding tube. There were times when the hospital food made my stomach churn, and there were certainly days I ate less than others, and my weight did drop 3 or 4 kilos at one point, but those incidences were short-lived. A doctor at Latrobe Hospital told me to treat food as one of my medicines, so I was always forcing food down, even if the sickly sweet protein drinks the dieticians insisted on plonking on my food tray tasted awful, or the steaming pile of ‘butter chicken’ looked more like dog meat. I do believe this helped me a lot. My mother’s phone is full of text messages from me filled with random food requests: “I want a grilled chicken burger” or “Can you get me a scone” “I feel like Twisties” etc etc – God help the gopher who has to tend to my demands if I ever get pregnant.

Maybe the amazing one-point win by Collingwood on Anzac Day might’ve helped a little bit too … My mother managed to get an Anzac Day poster signed by Daisy Thomas and Harry O’Brien which sat above my bed during my stay in hospital. It incited both strong approval and extreme distaste, depending on who was looking after me. Of course I left it blue-tacked to the wall following my discharge, and one of the cleaners (a Pies fan) actually called me in the apartments and brought it down there for me.

Of course there are a million other things that have helped me get through this – a supportive network of friends and family (not a day went by without someone at my bedside), the amazing group of doctors, nurses and staff at Peter Mac and the power of positive thinking. There is absolutely no way I would be coping this well if I had to go through this feeling alone. I guess this is one of the most touching things about being sick; the kindness it brings out in the people around you and the inner strength it brings out in yourself.

I still have quite a bit of a journey ahead; I have this infection to sort out and I also have four weeks of radiotherapy about four weeks down the track, my final hurdle. Coming out of hospital, I didn’t feel the elation you would expect, as my body was still catching up. And the enormity of what I had faced and achieved just hit me. Five and a half months of emotion piled on top of me and some days I couldn't stop crying. But it felt good, like a release. For a while there I just fell into a heap. Now I have picked myself up again, but am interested in doing little more than some meditating, painting, gardening (I just planted a vegie patch), writing and reading (yep, I’ve gone from 29 to 60 years old overnight). I just want to find my inner hippie for a little while until I work out exactly how to embark on the next chapter of my life.

Speaking of chapters, my 30^th birthday is coming up. This is not really how I ever envisaged the lead-up to my dirty thirties to be, but I feel neither anxious nor happy about it. I am just happy to be here, simple as that (the post-radiotherapy/belated 30^th birthday party is going to be an unmissable event though, don’t you worry about that).

My hair grew back. Then it fell out again. 

Six months since I first went to hospital, and I am now in remission. After months of uncertainty, I finally know that I’m OK. I’m not cured yet – I won’t be able to say that for another two or more years – and for all I know, there could still be microscopic cancer cells floating somewhere in my body. That is something that all the doctors, tests and scanners can’t tell me – something we will never know. Which is why I have decided to go ahead with the radiotherapy, which will hopefully eradicate any cancer cells, if there are any left. But positive thinking and good will has got me this far, and it’s going to get me further yet. Cancer is past tense now, and hopefully it's there to stay.

So it's back to business ...

So I’m back at Peter Mac, and in some ways, it’s like I never left. The scent of the antiseptic hand soap smacks of familiarity, the food is just as dismally unappetising as ever and as if things have gone full circle, I have ended up in the bed (good old 10C, my old friend) in which I began my Peter Mac journey. But while some things don’t seem to change around here, things are still definitely different this time around.

This time I’ve come fresh off a month-long breather. And what have I done with my four weeks off? Oh, not much really … just three awesome road trips (one interstate), a music festival, a wedding, several reunions with old, amazing friends, making new friends, some bad TV - Geordie Shore (don’t judge me), a three-night hotel stay in my own city and a lot of laughing, dancing and much more.

The holiday was slowly savoured from start to finish, like a big meal after a period of fasting. The first bite was a Golden Plains for the ages (see last post) and last but not least, the treat at the end was the equally epic event of Tim and Ange’s wedding (I could say wedding of the year, but that would be unfair on the other two I have attended this year). Packed between these two cataclysmic events, were three road trips: Bendigo, Merimbula and Mornington Peninsula; some visits to some old Melbourne haunts, reunions with many old friends (uni and high school), and a three-night stay in a hotel stay at Albert Park, which was filled with more tuba players than you could poke a conductor’s wand at (every brass player in Australia seemed to be at that hotel – band convention?).

The highlights: Bendigo to visit Sam, which was lots of fun; even the part where Jacqui and I got hit with a tirade of verbal abuse from a carful of ‘bush pigs’ who alluded in less than subtle terms to our presumed preference for the same sex (not true, by the way, boys). We drove loops around Bendigo, raiding the town’s gold mine of vintage and op shops, enjoyed ambient beer gardens at historic hotels, made people watching an Olympic sport at the only bar we could get let into and just enjoying the old-style change of scenery and good company.

Bendigo beer gardens

After Bendigo, I had to go to Peter Mac to get some tests done (pre-transplant  checks including kidney function, dental health, bloods) and get briefed in some more detail by my nursing co-ordinator Trish on what the stem cell transplant would entail. One of the tests required a 24-hour urine collection, which unfortunately meant on my final day in Bendigo, I had to collect all my pee into  the one bottle. This bottle had to come with me to Melbourne, and as I was carrying it as stealthily as I could to the car, Jacqui eyed off my plastic bag and asked, “Is that juice?” Her query was met with disbelief as I had just warned her the day before that my bodily fluids would be accompanying us on the trip home. Luckily the bottle stayed firmly between my feet and there were no embarrassing mishaps. But it was rather funny really.

Coming back to Merimbula was like reuniting with a former lover, minus the awkwardness. And so luckily for us, this reunion was full of sunshine and good times. My sister, her friend Ash and I hit the road, stopping at Lakes Entrance on the way for some fish and chips and unexpected seal spotting. We spent the weekend at the leafy retreat of my aunt and uncle’s Nethercote property, enjoying nibblies on their veranda, guitar sing-alongs, fresh air, games, wonderful home-cooked meals (Caz and Brian can cook!) and jokes. We shopped at Candelo market, buying all sorts of nick nacks and treasures including some ‘so bad that they’re good’ records (including Mrs Mills Non-Stop Honky-Tonk Party –straight to the pool room).

$1.50 - bargain

In Merimbula town, I spent two nights with some of my favourite people, Jasmine and Kelvin and their four gorgeous children who filled my days with laughter. Their children were so full of energy but in such a great way. I am going to sound clucky as hell by saying this, but children are such special people and we can learn so much from them. It was also wonderful to see their little girl Pearl doing so unbelievably well after her own battle with leukemia. Life after cancer isn’t easy either; outsiders tend to overlook the monthly ritual of check-ups, the niggling anxiety that the cancer will return, the inability to use the word ‘cured’, because being cured and being in remission are two different things. But Pearl and her family are doing so well; I hope they all realise how inspiring they all are to me, and how much I enjoyed spending time with them again.

I also got to visit some of my favourite beaches (I may be biased, but to me they are some of the most beautiful beaches in Australia, and the world, particularly because of their ‘untouched’ nature) and even had a couple of swims. The gods were smiling.

I also went to visit my former boss, Liz, who I found out had been trying to contact me by phone since she had heard the news. I surprised her at the office, and when she saw me, her face was filled with enough joy to bring tears to the eyes. She stood up, gave me a hug, and held my hands for a long time. Liz was like a mother to me during my years living in Merimbula, and I knew it meant a lot to her to see me, and to see me doing so well.

Stopover at Lakes on the way home

Another special thing about this time off and well, the time since I have arrived back in Australia, is the reunions I have had with old friends – from university and high school. Highlights include sitting on the veranda with Suzanne and her daughter Lavinia, sipping vegetable soup while watching the rain fall over her Yinnar property (once again opening my eyes to the beauty of my own local area), J-Plo, Fleur and I reverting to our former uni selves terrorising Melbourne, sharing endless laughs with old high school friend Andrew, lunch with Nicole which stretched on for hours because we did more talking than ordering, and all the others I have bumped into along the way – people I have had little to do with over the last 8-10 years, but have wished me all the best. The kindness of all these people I know, after all these years, is truly touching. I hope that I can do the same for others one day, because I now know how special these seemingly small tokens of kindness can be.

On Easter Saturday a group of us did a day trip to Tyabb, where we indulged in some more vintage and op-shopping, a stroll along the beach (where a friend almost got caught in quicksand - quite dramatic), a half-arsed bush walk, oysters and wine at Arthurs Seat overlooking the twinkling lights Peninsula. A drive back through Mornington, then pizza at the hotel in Melbourne. Another fantastic day.

Luckily just before going back into hospital I got to attend Tim and Ange’s wedding, which was so much fun I think I was piling into a cab at 4am. I think the best thing is that Ange and Tim are such wonderful people who are nuts about each other. So glad I got to spend this special day with them. I still have sparkles in my wig from the reception … part of me doesn’t want to brush them out. :)

Another awesome wedding ...

Finally I got that little taste, that wonderful window of what my life used to be. I had strength, freedom, no responsibility and an amazing country to explore and amazing people to visit.

For a while there I was enjoying myself so much that I didn’t want my break to end. With my strength returning in full force, and along with it my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows, it was hard to even believe that another hospital stay loomed ominously in the not too distant future, and “the big one” – the stem cell transplant. I didn’t want to think about it, and I didn’t. I totally lived in the now and loved every minute of it. But as admission day grew closer, I began to grow anxious in a different way: anxious to get it over and done with. I’m as physically and psychologically ready for this as I will ever be. Bring it on; let me hit the final and most excruciating lap of my journey, to collapse at the end, giddy and woozy with victory.

I think the last four weeks will be etched in my memory. When you have cancer, every emotion is amplified; time seems to go slowly; the highs are memorably high. You don’t take anything for granted anymore. Even a simple pleasure such as sitting out in the sunshine and enjoying a meal with some friends is seen as a privilege, not a given, because there were so many times you were too sick to do so. You learn to value things so much more, and I think this quality will be with me for life. I heard footballer Jimmy Stynes (R.I.P) in his documentary talk about how having cancer made you realise what the important things in life were, which to him, was his family. As a result, Jimmy grew closer than he could have imagined to his wife and children, and he was able to showed them exactly how much he loved them. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and even though I am deeply saddened that we lost someone like Jimmy, I have no doubt he was able to fill those two-and-a-half years from his diagnosis to his death with so much love, a quantity that many would not realise in a much longer life.

Having been in hospital a week now, I am starting to feel the weight of what I am about to face. But I have to put my head down, get this done, and get to my final goal: a cure. Bring on the victory lap.

PET scan #3: third time lucky!

When I was given the news my PET scan came back completely clear, the heavens didn’t open to the chorus of ‘Hallelujah’, there were no tears, there was no jumping up and kissing/hugging the doctor ... it was nowhere near as dramatic as that. The news was merely met with a feeling of absolute joy and relief, but at the same time underpinned by an understanding that the journey is far from over.

The days leading up to the scan were filled with nervous tension. I hadn’t been sleeping very well.  All sorts of thoughts were running through my head. My second round of Hyper-CVAD had almost been a walk in the park compared to my first, and the lack of symptoms made me suspicious … was the chemo working? There was no way of knowing. And with the memory of my last two PET scans - which did not wield uplifting results - etched in my mind, as much as I tried to remain positive, that little black slug called doubt would occasionally creep in. Hyper-CVAD works for 4 out of 5 people, but every now and then I couldn’t help but wonder – would I be part of that doomed 10%? It was a possibility and one I had to be prepared for.

Finally the day of the PET scan arrived. While I come from a religious background, I don’t consider myself a particularly spiritual person nowadays. But when I pulled on my hospital gown, lay down on the white bed and was passed through the PET scanner for the third time, I prayed. Boy, did I pray. I prayed more than I’ve prayed in my whole life, to whoever was listening. It’s hard to explain what was going through my head at that time. As hard as I was wishing for positive results, there was also a peaceful feeling; an acceptance of my own fate.

However, the results of the PET scan wouldn’t be up for discussion until Friday, two days later, so I was just going to have to distract myself until then. So of course, I indulged in some good old-fashioned retail therapy in Brunswick Street. While I was shopping my phone rang, and it was Trish, the nursing co-ordinator from Peter Mac. “I just wanted to let you know that your PET scan was fantastic,” she said. “We’ll discuss it more on Friday, but it looks great. Everything is falling into place.” I was really grateful she called to tell me, as it really did take a load off my mind for the next day or so, even though I didn’t know the full details.

By the time Friday morning came around, my whole family was in Melbourne. My brother had travelled down from Bendigo, Dad and my little sister Megan (who had taken Friday off) had travelled up from Gippsland and my mum and my older sister Jacqui had already been in Melbourne. My appointment with the oncologist was bright and early at 8.45, and when I was called into the doctor’s office, I was accompanied by an entourage (Dad, Mum and Sam).

Being told my PET scan had come up completely clear was exhilarating. It was exactly what I needed to hear. But it’s important to put the result into perspective. Having a clear PET scan result does not necessarily mean I am free of cancer. The tracer used in the scan only detects cancer that exceeds 5mm. Therefore it was more likely, in my case in which the cancer had been very aggressive, that there was still cancer present, it was just simply too small for the scan to pick up. In any case, the cancer had been reduced enough that it was safe to go ahead with the stem cell transplant. It also meant that I would not need a third round of Hyper-CVAD, which meant I would not be admitted to hospital again any time soon. This was an immense relief to me; things were finally falling into place.

My very first PET scan, taken in November 2011. The big black splotch in my chest is a tumour. The black dots in my midriff area are secondary tumours. These are all gone now.

The first massive hurdle has been cleared, but there’s more to come. In four weeks I will begin what will probably be the hardest part of the whole process – the high-dose chemotherapy followed by the stem cell transplant. This will be carried out over three weeks. For the first week, I will be administered with a monster hit of chemo (we’re talking 15 times the amount I’ve had before), made up of three different drugs. These drugs are so potent that they will destroy my bone marrow, which will lose its ability to make stem cells, which produce the body's blood. About 48 hours after the round of chemo finishes, my stem cells (of which I have “gazoodles”, to use the technical term coined by the oncologist) will be thawed and given back to me via a drip. Over the following two weeks I will remain in hospital as I endure the side effects of the chemo. I will need blood transfusions, I will most likely need a feeding tube, I will have restricted visitors (immediate family only) and when I am finally eating and drinking properly again, I will be discharged. From here, the recovery – the process of building my strength and regaining blood cell production – will be long, and is likely to take months.

But even after all that, there is a 50% chance my lymphoma will come back, and if it comes back, it is incurable. So the oncologist has recommended that six weeks following the transplant, as long as it is safe to do so, I should undergo radiation to the chest area, which will help reduce the chance of a relapse by another 20-30%. Radiation also comes with a raft of risks and inconveniences, but these are pretty small in the scheme of things.

It was a lot to take in, but the main thing to come out of last week’s appointment and the one I haven’t stopped thinking about is the fact that my scan was clear. And when you look at what we were dealing with (the tumour in my chest was 14.5 by 9.5 centimetres), it is nothing short of a miracle that all that cancer is as good as gone.

The next decision was a big one: now that my long weekend was gloriously free, do I or don’t I hunt down a ticket to my favourite music festival, Golden Plains? Before I got sick, it had always been my plan to return home in March to attend this festival, so I could catch up with friends, enjoy some great music and get a little bit of the Australian summer before launching into the dreaded double winter.

The decision was made at 10am Saturday: we’d tracked down a ticket, I’d handed over the money, and I was going, in spite of how tired I was feeling. And after two days of beautiful sunshine, amazing music and excellent company, it was a decision I did not end up regretting. It’s nice to know that even after five rounds of intense chemotherapy, I am still able to dance myself into a stupour until 4am. It’s also nice to know that doing a festival sober isn’t too bad (although I did indulge in more than one Pink Flamingo, it has to be said, in keeping with tradition, of course). The tiredness, hoarse voice and achey feet were all merely symptoms of a good weekend and totally worth it. For the first time in ages I got to feel like my old self again, relishing my independence and feeling carefree, without doctors and nurses fussing over me.

OhAunty Meredith, how I have missed you ...

I got a single night’s sleep in my own bed before I was off to Melbourne again, to undergo surgery at the Royal Women’s Hospital to get some of my ovarian tissue removed for freezing (as the chemotherapy I will receive in four weeks is very likely to do permanent damage to my ovaries). After all the chemotherapy is over, the ovarian tissue can be implanted and alongside hormone treatments, will hopefully kick the ovary back into production. However, the procedure is very experimental and very few births have resulted from this process, so there are no guarantees, but there rarely is in this game. It was laparoscopic surgery (done via an incision in the belly button) with no complications; pretty tame compared to everything else I've been through, really.

After surgery I got my PICC line removed. It wasn’t going to be needed and as it can be a common site for infection, the doctor decided it could come out. I was relieved to see it go. Its removal to me was symbolic of the first chapter of my treatment being over. 

So right now I get a four-week breather ­– free of hospital visits, medications, check-ups and tests. It is four weeks in which I am expected to look after myself, build up my strength, remain active and get myself in the best possible shape for the transplant. I’m going to enjoy this time. The first hurdle has been well and truly cleared and I see the next four weeks as a little window of opportunity: to visit all those people I haven’t had a chance to. I'm going to travel a bit and just relax and have fun. I feel like I can look to the future with a lot of optimism now and it feels great. I might not be free of treatment just yet, but I'm free of uncertainty, and that's the best thing that's happened to me to date. 

Part 1 (pre-diagnosis): The weekend my life was turned upside down.

The day I took myself to hospital was 11.11.11. When I looked back on that day and date several days later, I suddenly realized that Remembrance Day had happened, and I had spent the whole day in hospital, caught up in my own dramas, not even casting a single thought to the soldiers. But I guess that day will have an additional new meaning for me from now on, because it also marked the beginning of my own personal battle with cancer.

My lymphoma began in my chest, so it was invisible – I couldn’t feel it. In fact, even when I took myself to hospital, I wasn’t presenting with chest pain or breathing problems. I had abdominal pain.

With the beauty of hindsight, I can look back and identify the warning signs, although it’s still unclear if some of them were actually warning signs or not. Bouts of sickness, unexplained fatigue, shortness of breath, night sweats and a persistent cough. Most of these had presented themselves in the five weeks before I went to hospital, but when I thought about it, some had been hanging around for months.

One of those was fatigue. I was coming home from work and not being able to do much more than cook a meal and go to bed. My housemates had noticed a drop in my energy and a change in my moods. I hadn’t been for a run or exercised for several weeks because I hadn’t felt up to it. Even my half-term break was spent feeling sick and exhausted. I thought I must just be generally stressed and exhausted from working, but I knew something was up. One Saturday, I went swimming at the Hackney Pool and could barely complete one lap. I was a bit hungover and tired, but still this didn’t stack up for someone who can swim 30 laps of a 25m pool no problem. Straight after that, the abdominal pain and nausea began, and didn’t go away.

During these two weeks, I saw my GP twice. The first time he prescribed me pills that stopped the production of gastric acid in my stomach. They didn’t really do anything. I was still in a lot of pain and discomfort. And the pain had moved, towards my kidney. It was affecting my sleep. I was still going to work though, because the bills and rent needed to get paid somehow. The second time I went back to the GP, all he did was send off for more pathology tests. “This is a poo-poo container,” he said, holding up an empty vial. (Ew. I feel for whoever had to carry out that lab test.) So basically he took stool and urine samples, and told me results would be back in two weeks. Two weeks! I was in agony. I knew I couldn’t wait that long.

I could see that my GP was pretty much useless. I mean the guy didn’t even try to come near me with a stethoscope. But what can you do?

I went home after that GP appointment and spent the whole day in bed. Usually this kind of rest would make one feel better. Well I didn’t feel any better. I knew something was up. The next day I decided I wasn’t going to sit around and feel horrible anymore. I was going to do something about it. I walked to the bus stop and took the next bus to my closest A&E.

I was dreading a long wait in the waiting room but I got called straight up. I went into my little cubicle, explained my symptoms to the female nurse. They did all the routine checks, then they sent me in for an X-ray. I wasn't sure why at the time and I thought it might be unnecessary. But when they sent me in for a CT scan after that (where you lie down on a bed, get injected with a strange liquid and are passed through a giant whirring donut), I knew something was up. I could see them poring over my X-ray, a big blotch across the screen, speaking in muted tones, stealing concerned glances in my direction.

Finally the nurses came into the cubicle and asked me some questions about my family history. They explained to me that something had come up on my chest X-ray. That there was some kind of mass, gathered around my thyroid, around my breathing apparatus. The male nurse said he was waiting on the CT report to get a better idea of what it was, and that he would be sending down doctors to speak to me about it. I was dumbfounded but I didn’t really know what it all meant. The full seriousness of it hadn’t reached me yet. He asked me a few more questions about symptoms, then I remembered the cough - a horrible sounding whooping cough - I’d had for two weeks, that only presented itself when I was lying down. They seemed concerned about this and scribbled it down on their clipboard.

More waiting. People came to take my blood. I watched as a nurse took about four or five vials, the dark scarlet liquid leaking across the plastic ominously. A young female doctor, who didn’t really have any news, but was nice company, and did a few more checks. A manky hospital sandwich for lunch. And more waiting.

I’d been in A&E for about six or more hours when the bombshell came, via a lady named Sarah from haematology. She was accompanied by several doctors and consultants. I wondered if they thought I was going to flip out. They were all looking at me with concerned faces. They asked me if I had family around. I said no, they were all in Australia. And I couldn’t even call them because it was stupid o’clock (3 or 4am) over there. All my London friends were at work. Sarah was very direct with me. She said the symptoms I was describing, and the scans and test results were all pointing to one very likely diagnosis: lymphoma. This meant nothing to me at first, until she said, ‘Hodgkin’s disease’ and suddenly Delta Goodrem, and cancer, sprung to mind. “Lymphoma is malignant, but it’s very treatable,” she assured me. She told me they wouldn't know what it is until a biopsy was done, which wouldn't be happening until at least Monday. I didn’t really know what to say but sit there quietly, crying. Not sure who to call, what to do. “It’s a lot to take in,” she said gently. I had never wanted to speak to my mother more than I had at that moment. They told me I would be staying in the hospital for the weekend and when I told her I was supposed to be working Monday, Sarah said gently, “I can assure you that won’t be happening.” (No, instead I would be in an operating theatre.)

So I called my boyfriend Matt, who I was supposed to be meeting up with that night. His reaction was shock and disbelief, his voice wracked with concern. “Can I come see you?”

I had been moved to a ward by the time Matt came. I was so happy to him walk in the door, even though his eyes were full of worry. It was a lot to take in, but it was quite difficult to talk things over while the woman in the corner kept moaning and retching violently into a bucket. At 8.15pm one of the nurses came over and told us visiting hours were over at 8pm. I didn’t want Matt to go. He hesitated for a long while. “I don’t want to leave you here on your own,” he said. “I’ll be OK,” I said. “I know,” he replied. “Tough as old boots.” (Apparently on his way out, the lady in the corner asked Matt if he could take off her socks. “I don’t care who takes them off,” she said, staring at him wildly. Matt called for a nurse and high-tailed it out of there.)

It was about this time I called my mother. It was about 9.30am over there and she was at work. I went to tell her, but I choked on the words and began to cry. Concern crept into her voice. “What’s happened?” I told her I was in hospital, and that a scan had shown something in my chest, and when I mentioned the likely lymphoma diagnosis, her voice fell. “Oh Beth.” She then, as I knew she would, insisted on flying over. I told her to wait. “Just wait until the diagnosis.” Because she was at work and still recovering from the shock of what I told her, we resolved to discuss it further tomorrow. Then the nurses told me I was changing wards, and I gathered my things, and was wheeled, like a frail person, to the upper floor.

It wasn’t exactly the most welcoming of surrounds. At first I had been grateful to get away from Lady ‘take my socks off’ Spewguts, but when I accustomed myself to my two new neighbours, old Spewguts didn’t seem so bad. On my left side was a woman who I at first thought had a case of severe flatulence, however, the culprit was actually the ventilation machine she was using for oxygen. Directly across from me was a middle-aged Romanian woman, who was rocking back and forth, moaning softly as if possessed, her chin poised ominously above a vomit container. She was deathly pale. Next to her bed, a monitor was beeping loudly, and at every break between her beeps, a beep came from the opposite corner. So between these two other patients, there was constant beeping, deafening machine-powered flatulence and moaning, as I lay there, tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable in spite of the sharp pain in my side. On top of that I’d missed dinner and was majorly hungry – the best the nurse could do for me was a couple of pieces of toast with a tiny sachet of jam. Then the doctors insisted that my bed stayed upright all night because they were concerned about my cough.

Needless to say, I only slept three hours. The next morning my phone went flat, and I started to worry, as it was my only portal to my friends and family. Luckily I'd written down a few numbers, and I asked one of the nurses, Sister, if I could use the hospital phone to call my friends, so I could arrange for them to bring my belongings, including my phone charger, to the hospital. She wasn't crazy about the idea and told me to be quick, because they needed to use the phone. The phone calls I made kept cutting out, and after several calls Sister yelled at me because I was taking too long. She really upset me, and after some tears and heated words were exchanged, thankfully a male patient from a neighbouring ward intervened and offered me his phone charger.

Thankfully my phone was charging when my family called - Mum, Dad, Sam and Megan, via Skype. It was so good to hear their voices. I gave them updates on my situation, and mum said: “You’ve made up my mind, Beth, I’m coming over.” She said she had already checked flights and there was one leaving Sunday night. Everything was happening so quickly.

Matt managed to bring my belongings to me that day, after rummaging around in my room (let this be a lesson - always keep your room tidy in case you end up in hospital) and another friend Nick came to visit as well. It was a nice time, sitting around laughing and chatting. The nurses even let Matt stay past visiting hours.

On Sunday morning, after a better sleep, I could see a small patch of blue sky through the hospital window, peeking above the bland concrete garden and wall. I asked the nurses if I could go outside for a moment to get some fresh air, and they allowed it. It was a short walk to the lift which took me downstairs, to the doors to a garden. I realized as I walked out the automatic doors to the outside world that I was very tired and short of breath. For once it actually hit me: I am ill. A brief walk shouldn't make me feel like this.

At about 3 or 4 in the afternoon the nurses announced I would be moving to the National Heart Hospital in Central London. This is where I would undergo a biopsy, where they would enter through my chest and take a sample of tissue from my tumour, which would be taken to the lab for testing. The other two patients watched me as I got my belongings together, and part of me felt sad about leaving them, they'd become my friends in their odd little way. But I was off to the Heart Hospital, onto the next phase of my journey.